Kremlin to Dump Trump from Republican Ticket

Kremlin sources confirmed today that Vladimir Putin is exploring options for replacing Donald Trump at the top of the Republican ticket.

“While we appreciate all that President Trump has done to advance Russian interests and to diminish the standing of the United States throughout the world,” said an official Kremlin spokesperson, “We simply can no longer ignore his sinking poll numbers.”

The Kremlin acknowledged their investments in Trump have paid significant dividends, citing Trump’s ongoing support for Russia’s ambitions in the Ukraine, Afghanistan, Syria, and the rest of the world, but added, “times have changed and American voters have wised up. While no one wants to throw away the billions we’ve provided to Donald and his family, sometimes you have no choice but to cut your losses.”

The Kremlin’s concerns were echoed by Russia’s ambassador to the United States, Anatoly Antonov, “We’ve spent the last 20 years co-opting the Republican Party. Now, all that work is at risk. Even our boy Mitch might lose reelection. We simply can not let that happen!”

When pushed for details on how the Kremlin plans to replace Trump, the Kremlin spokesperson became more circumspect. “I’m not going into any details, but remember this: We put him in, and we can certainly take him out. After all, we have the Pee-Pee tapes.”