To the armed lunatics marching around the state capitol:
Wear a mask, you stupid morons!
Yes, I get it. You believe the second amendment gives you the absolute right to carry a loaded gun wherever you want. I’m not going to argue that point. If you want to play soldier go right ahead. Fill up the biggest stadium you can find. Invite your friends. Spend hours comparing the size of your guns and the caliper of their discharge. Parade around in your best camouflage t-shirts. Throw in some bling, because nothing says defender of freedom and democracy like confederate flags and NAZI swastikas. Have all the fun you want! Sneeze on each other. Cough on each other. Fart in each other’s faces for all I care.
But, if you want to hang out with the rest of us, wear a mask! Because the second amendment may give you the right to own a gun but there is nothing in the Constitution guaranteeing you the right to roam the halls of any public building like a pack of plague-carrying rats.
To the idiot in the White House:
Wear a mask, you stupid moron!
Yes, I get it. Wearing a mask is tantamount to conceding that our nation is facing real danger — that the virus isn’t a hoax and that it didn’t go away in April like you said it would. But for Heaven’s sake, just admit you were wrong. Sure, it is easier to blame others for your failures or, if that doesn’t work, to simply declare victory and walk away. But those strategies don’t address the problem. So instead, why not try something different? Why not try leadership?
You can start by wearing a mask.
I know an appeal to your empathy will fall on deaf ears so I won’t even try to argue that doing the right thing will save thousands of lives. I get it, dead people don’t vote. But the rest of us do and if this virus is still around in November your chances of getting reelected will fall faster than a rocket ship reentering the atmosphere. You could end up with a vote total in single digits. You might even be the first candidate in history to achieve a negative tally. If this doesn’t scare you, it should. A Democratic president, attorney general and Congress will come after you like a pack of wolves hell-bent on revenge. They will rip apart every lie you’ve ever told and expose the true depth of your corruption.
So, if you don’t want to end up in an orange jumpsuit with a cellmate named Bubba, then do the right thing. Wear a mask! If you won’t do it to save thousands of lives and to get America back to work, at least do it to save yourself.
To the crazy lady at Costco who refused to wear a mask:
Wear a mask, you stupid moron.
Yes, I get it. You’re trying to strengthen the gene pool by killing yourself and others like you who are just too dumb to take common-sense precautions. Normally I would applaud your effort to win this year’s Darwin Award. But here’s the thing: I like toilet paper. I use it every day. Sometimes two or more times a day. I don’t like it when toilet paper is hard to get. I don’t like it when food prices go up because processing plants are turned into forced virus breeding programs. And I don’t like it when thousands of small businesses are failing because people like you are prolonging the pandemic.
I want businesses to reopen. I want people back at work. I want to get on an airplane someday without having to worry that my long-planned vacation might turn into a long, unplanned hospital stay. That isn’t going to happen until we beat this virus and that’s not going to happen until everyone, including you, starts wearing a mask and taking other common-sense precautions. You are not part of the solution. You are the problem!
To the folks at Fox:
Wear a mask, you stupid morons.
Yes, I get it. Fox News would defend Trump if he stood in the middle of 5th Avenue and shot someone. So, it is no surprise that you are cheerleaders for his mismanagement of a crisis resulting in tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths. I admire your loyalty. I know you’ll never change and I’m not asking you to. If you want to encourage your viewers to pop Hydroxychloroquine pills like candy, go right ahead. If you want to promote shooting up with bleach, please do so. If you think we should all be shoving lightbulbs up our ass to kill the virus, that’s okay too. In fact, I think you should ask Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity to demonstrate this on live TV.
But while you’re peddling Trump’s snake oil cures, why not promote something that really works, like wearing a mask. You don’t have to do it because it’s the right thing to do. Do it because the people most likely to die from the virus are your key viewer demographic — old white men. You remember them! You love old white men and they love you too. Every day you make them feel more alive by tapping into their fears and channeling those emotions into full-blown anger. You give them a reason to get out of bed every morning. So why are you now trying to kill them? Is it part of some grand conspiracy to defund Social Security by killing off millions of recipients? Are you so desperate for younger viewers that you feel you need to eliminate the older ones? Or is your loyalty to Trump so strong that you’re willing to sacrifice your entire network in hopes of currying favor with your orange-skinned god?
